Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Why Am I Doing This?

Peace and Healing Through Reiki

Several years ago I wanted to take Reiki. I was in search of healing from past traumas when I came across Reiki as a complementary form of treatment. I was in what seemed to be an endless cycle of abuse . . . I just attracted them like flies on honey!

I was originally diagnosed with Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder in 1998, but back then I was still able to function in society. Because of the situation I was in, my cPTSD got progressively worse. I had been isolated from my family, had no friends left, wouldn't dare go in public around strangers, and I was unable to work. I also suffered from physical ailments that affected my mobility, my sleep pattern, and eventually my memory.

In 2006, I was told I would not be walking in five years because of scoliosis and degenerative disc disease. As time went on, I needed a cane at times to get up off the sofa. As my condition progressed, I eventually had to use a cane daily. It was extremely difficult for me to walk, especially when I was dragged to public places. I was in my late thirties, and when people see a "young" woman walking on a cane they stare with compassion and pity. My current abusive situation and my pride kept me from going out in public most days.

I went nowhere on my own; and until the night I left in 2011, I hadn't driven a car in three years. I began to accept that perhaps the doctor knew what he was talking about, even though I didn't want to believe. It looked like my wheelchair diagnosis was accurate. I had also gained a great deal of weight, which only made my mobility worse. Because of my living arrangements and my condition, I became depressed. I just didn't want to leave the house for any reason.

In 2010, Something happened at home that caused me to take a good, hard look at my life. The man I was married to often asked me to talk about the bad things that happened to me. He thought if I would "get it out" that somehow it would help. He didn't permit me to seek medical care after the first year of our marriage, so a therapist was out of the question and I suppose he thought he could fill those shoes. We were sitting on the sofa watching television one night when I decided, "Okay, I am ready to talk."

Solace © 2013
Art Prints Available: Solace - Photography

Solace is finding comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness. Yellowstone National Park reveals great beauty even amidst great distress from the pressure beneath the surface of the grand caldera. This piece of driftwood with its curves and twists is quite peaceful to gaze upon against the pale blue waters of the hot springs.

I started telling him about some of the traumatic things that had happened to me over the years. His reply to me was, "How can I listen to the television while you're engaged in conversation?" I was floored! Absolutely shocked! Really? He had encouraged me to talk, and when I finally did, he couldn't stop watching television (a re-run at that) long enough to listen! This comment made me stop and think about what kind of mess I had gotten myself into, and what could be done to fix it. I remember asking myself, "Is this what love is supposed to be about?"

Over the next several months I thought back over the years spent with him, and just exactly what had happened. His question really made me think. I started remembering the past years of my life I had given to him, and the devotion I gave that he probably never deserved. I considered whether or not this mess could even be fixed. A relationship is about giving love, pure love to another person. Love is about encouraging the other person to be the best they can be . . . it is about encouraging them in every aspect of their life: spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. It is not about tearing them down, controlling them, or isolating them from others whom they love.

During the time we dated, I had given full disclosure of my hopes and dreams, of who I am and who I desired to become. When we married, he was aware of my spiritual beliefs as well as my desire to become a Reiki Practitioner. He was aware of my emotional "baggage"; he was told about my diagnosis of Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, the causes of it and the difficulties I had with it as well. He knew I had been searching for a "cure" to the trauma I had been through, and that I felt Reiki would help. I was right . . . it has helped so much, I cannot begin to explain! That is a story for another day!

This story has a bittersweet ending. A little over a year after his cold-shouldered statement when I was ready to talk, we were sitting on the sofa watching television again. He had rented a movie and was watching it. I was trying hard to ignore the movie, because of the content. It was about rapists who hire a hot-shot attorney to get them out of going to jail. The movie had been playing about an hour when I asked him if the entire movie was going to be about rape. He said, "Probably." He kept watching it. Not long after that, the movie got a little more violent so I asked him if he minded turning it down, or turning it off. It was really starting to get to me. He refused, stating that he wanted to see how the movie ended since he'd been watching it for so long. He said it was, ". . . just about an attorney who was really good at getting people out of trouble."

It was the next statement he made that changed my circumstance, and changed both our lives forever.

"I can kill someone and make it look like someone else did it," he said as he put his hand down in the sofa where he kept his loaded hand-gun with no safety.

Okay . . . last straw! I got up off the sofa, grabbed the car keys, and told him I was ". . . going out for a while. I'll be back soon. I just need to go for a drive." He didn't stop me as I got behind the wheel of a car for the first time in three years. I didn't go back. I didn't take anything with me except my dog.

I bought another cane, and some new clothes. Within a month, I was able to put down the cane. Actually, I haven't needed one since. I still have it as a reminder of how far I have come. I do still have joint pain from time to time, but it hasn't stopped me so far! I have also lost fifty pounds, and counting.

A year after I left, I searched for the perfect Master/Teacher and enrolled in Reiki I and Reiki II. I noticed an immediate change after the first class. The second class only increased the healing. I sleep much better now and my flashbacks, though not completely healed, are less crippling for me.

I used to have daily flashbacks . . . and nightmares. They would come without a particular trigger. I had absolutely no control over them. Now it takes a trigger to start a flashback, and triggers can be controlled somewhat. I am also able to go out in public. I even started making new friends! I have met some wonderfully caring souls since I took my first Reiki class. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

I also used to keep things bottled up. I was unable to stand up for myself for fear of the ramifications in doing so. Now I speak my mind, and courteously defend my opinion when necessary. I have been able to stand tall in the face of abuse or criticism. I also know when to walk away from a disagreement. That is something I have NEVER been able to do before. Reiki has helped me to release most of my fears; and when I have memories, I find it is easier to view them from a place of learning and acceptance, peace and love.

When I was growing up, my father used to tell me I was his "dream baby". Before my mother ever became pregnant, he dreamed that she was going to have a girl, and what I was to be named. My name literally means, "Noble Song". So why am I doing this? I do this to sing my life song. I know what I have been through and I am lucky to still be alive to tell about it. It has taken so much healing for me to be able to speak of such things, and I want to be able to tell of the wonderful healing God has given me. I want to help others find their song . . . it is my melody in this dance we call "life".